Thriftex #1 - Club Chipmunk - The Dance Mixes

Probably not as bad as the usual strawb green

Last weekend I went to the longest-running rummage sale in town, its 99th year running, in hopes of finding something acceptable for this year’s special project. Looking first through the CDs, it was all standard fare: lots of classical, a decent amount of 90s country, maybe some Kenny G, nothing interesting enough except for the box of brand new CDs that was clearly overstock of that guy’s album, but it’s highly doubtful the music itself would be much of anything. Onto the records. This was almost worse in that it was nearly exclusively records from before guitar distortion was discovered. In the fifth stack I did find this Liberace record, which I grabbed because it was in good shape and thought my wife might like it (she does). Not the best pick, but not bad for a backup. The Liberace I know is from his Twas the Night Before Christmas album, which is interesting in just how gay he makes the title track. This one though, from when he was a closeted 30-something, is too normal and pleasant to write much about. I’m happy to add it to my collection though.

There were hardly any cassettes and I was ready to call it a bust when suddenly I found it. This is exactly what I’ve been looking for. It’s perfect and terrible. It’s Club Chipmunk: The Dance Mixes, the 1996 album by The Chipmunks.

Look at that tracklist. Two versions of “Macarena,” “I’m Too Sexy,” “Love Shack,” “Play That Funky Music,” and “Witch Doctor” to ensure that parents regret their purchase. I wonder if Gelena Correra’s parents enjoyed this. Songs are credited to The Chipmunks and/or The Chipettes, not that there’s much of a difference in vocal timbre when they’re pitched up that high.

When I picked this up I was a little worried it would be the boring kind of bad, forty minutes of popular songs re-recorded to have vocals that sound like tiny animals. And it does start that way, “Macarena” is exactly what you’d expect, “Vogue” is a good enough song for me to not be bothered by the vocals, and “Staying Alive” already has annoyingly high vocals so whatever. But the gimmick turns sour when The Chipmunks sing “Play that funky music, chipmunk,” and it turns rancid when they start singing “I’m too sexy for my cat.”

The b-side manages to be even worse, particularly hearing them butcher The Isley Brothers’s classic, “Shout,” with terrible mid-90s digital instruments and vocals that turn a genuinely fun song into a teeth-gritting endurance test. Then there’s “Love Shack.” I know many people are tired of this song, having heard it countless times at grocery stores, weddings, movies, etc, but it’s easy to take its personality and soul for granted until you hear The Chipmunks and The Chipettes ruin it with their utter lack of swag. If you think Fred Schneider is annoying, wait until you hear someone do a half-assed impression of him. The b-side also includes “Turn the Beat Around” (like “Vogue,” it’s a good enough song to not be nightmarish), “Witch Doctor,” which you probably know even if you don’t think so, and “Macarena” in Spanish.

Well, did we learn anything? No. Do I wish I instead wrote about the 311 CD I bought in middle school, the one that kicked off a lifelong, unironic love for a band that is quite objectively dumb and cringe? Yeah kinda. Will I ever listen to this again? No, god willing.

3 chipmunks out of 10