Strawberry Road to Madness: A Hellish Stroll Through the Reliquary

Never go full reliquary

It is July 29, 2023 as I write this, which means I’m a few weeks out from a year in the Vortex. I was lured in by talk of “music spreadsheets” and “trying to grow the community”, and those certainly are two things one could say about the Vortex. I might describe it more as “a place full of assholes who bully each other for enjoying music” but to each their own. Having finished 2023’s project, gigs (140-some of the supposed best live albums of all time, according to reputable places such as Rolling Stone and Rate Your Music Dot Com), I decided to make a stronger effort to finish the Reliquary, which is 500-some of the supposed best albums according to said assholes of the Vortex. Here are some of my thoughts on what I listened to this month..

The Microphones - The Glow Pt. 2

I remember liking this album five, six years ago but this playthrough elicited a giant “meh” from me. Don’t get the love, don’t get the hate, it’s just kinda there.

Highlight: The loud parts 

Lowlight: Most songs feels incomplete

Rating: 5/10

Dissection - Storm of the Light’s Bane

The live album of theirs that’s in #gigs was nearly a 7 for me but something held me back, and I feel the same way here. It’s undeniably well-played melodic black metal but by the halfway mark I felt like “okay, yeah this is black metal.” 

Highlight: “Unhallowed”

Lowlight: Didn’t hold my attention through the end

Rating: 6/10

Cake - Prolonging the Magic

I know many people hate Cake for John McCrea’s deadpan and ironic tone but I grew up with them so I’ll always be a fan. Comfort Eagle has always been my favorite but this one is better than I remembered, obviously “Never There” and “Sheep Go to Heaven” are great but even the album cuts like “Hem of Your Garment” and “Let Me Go” are very good. 

Highlight: “Never There”

Lowlight: They could’ve cut a song or two 

Rating: 7/10

Bongripper - Satan Worshiping Doom

Four long songs of instrumental stoner/sludge metal. It’s fine, don’t have much to say here besides that it manages to not drag too much.

Highlight: The blast beats in “Satan”

Lowlight: “Hail”

Rating: 5/10

And One - Bodypop

If this is what EBM sounds like then count me out for the genre. The singer attempts to be sexy(?) and cool(?) but it just comes off as overly self-serious and cold. A lot of the vocals and lyrics make me wanna slap myself, I really could not stand this. And it’s an hour long? Why?

Highlight: A lot of really nice synth tones

Lowlight: All of the vocals

Rating: 3/10

Entombed - Clandestine

I’ve never been able to get into Left Hand Path but this album rocks. It’s much more varied and has a ton of gnarly riffs. I was very impressed by this and can see now why Entombed is so beloved.

Highlight: “Sinners Bleed”

Lowlight: “Stranger Aeons”

Rating: 7/10

Amorphis - Elegy

Genres: progressive metal, melodic death metal, folk metal. There is no world in which I would enjoy this. There’s lead guitar and keyboards farting around pretty much constantly, the clean vocals are cheesy, and there’s an oompah folk hoedown in “Cares” quickly followed by dance beats. Hopefully the other Amorphis album in the Reliquary is better, but I’m not getting my hopes up.

Highlight: There’s a couple decent guitar solos, probably

Lowlight: “Cares”

Rating: 3/10

Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings the Flood

I’ve been a casual fan of Neko Case for a long time, my favorite work of hers being on the Case/Lang/Veirs collaborative album, but this is my favorite solo record of hers as of now. She’s got a gorgeous voice, all the songs are well-written, and it sounds just as good now as (I imagine) it did in 2006. 

Highlight: “Maybe Sparrow”

Lowlight: The album artwork and layout is ugly

Rating: 8/10

Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit - The Nashville Sound

Man, I truly don’t know why Jason Isbell is so critically acclaimed. To my ears this just sounds like any other contemporary alt-country artist, except he has a song about anxiety. It’s not bad, but why him?

Highlight: He does have a knack for melodies

Lowlight: “Last of My Kind”

Rating: 5/10

Sten & Stalin - Jesus Lever…

One of Quillon’s infamous Swepunk topster picks, and it’s not quite what I expected. I thought maybe it would be in the crusty vein, but instead this is the most generic style of punk rawk that I find incredibly lame. It’s not the worst thing I’ve heard, but I certainly did suffer through it.

Highlight: The Nerd gave this a 0 and that always makes me laugh

Lowlight: The music contained within

Rating: 3/10

The Ruins of Beverast - Exuvia

Death doom that takes far too long to do anything. I’m sure the repetitive nature of this album is a feature, not a bug, but it felt lazy to me. 

Highlight: The blast beat section that came in about 45 minutes into the album

Lowlight: The guitar loop that plays through all 15 minutes of the first song

Rating: 4/10

BCUC - The Healing

I liked this overall, the performances are excellent and spirited, but I wish that either the songs had a bit more going on in them or the bassist was removed so it could feel more tribal and hypnotic. 

Highlight: The one guy who’s always maniacally screaming

Lowlight: The first song is too long

Rating: 6/10

Priestess - Prior to the Fire

Oh hell yeah it’s the Guitar Hero band. I remember loving one or two songs from their first album but never hit this one until now. And yeah, it’s 70s inspired hard rock. This has potential to go higher.

Highlight: All of the harmonized guitar leads

Lowlight: Gets a tad same-y by the end

Rating: 6/10

Soul-Junk - 1958

A very bizarre rap album that was engineered by Sufjan Stevens, of all people. Reminds me a lot of the Anticon Records scene (eg. Subtle, Themselves, Odd Nosdam) but a little more unhinged.

Highlight: “Thy Dark Streets Shineth”

Lowlight: Maybe a little too weird for their own good

Rating: 6/10

Ketha - #!%16.7

Despite being only seventeen minutes long this drags a bit. All of the songs are short but either land in the camp of “not enough ideas to feel like a complete song” or “too short to be more than an interlude.” 

Highlight: The full-throated vocals

Lowlight: Very few complete thoughts

Rating: 5/10

A Million Dead Birds Laughing - Xen

Tech-death that has tricked people into thinking it’s grindcore because there’s a lot of blast beats. I quickly got turned off of this; for one the production is too sterile to be heavy, and I get some “lol wacky” vibes from the vocalist. Don’t make your lyrics decipherable if they’re gonna be bad.

Highlight: Good chugs and pinch harmonics

Lowlight: “Zombie”

Rating: 5/10

Telomēre - Where Are We Still

Oh hell yeah this is my shit. The vocals can be a little too showy but if you put a mathy album with this many chugs, double kick parts, and melodic lines in front of me there’s a very good chance I’m gonna love it. It rides the lines between djent, math rock, and post-hardcore beautifully without ever falling too far in any one direction. 

Highlight: “Sequoia I: Ashes”

Lowlight: Album ends with a whimper

Rating: 7/10

Blind Guardian - Nightfall in Middle-Earth

If there is one thing that #gigs was good for, it’s learning what I do and do not like about different genres. What I want from metal is aggression, danger, and to feel alive. European power metal bands noodling on their guitars and gang vocals singing about Tolkien does not fit into this whatsoever. There is nothing that I find engaging, heavy, fun, or (ironically) powerful about this kind of music. 

Highlight: Some of the melodies are catchy I guess

Lowlight: The skits

Rating: 2/10

The Cure - Disintegration

I was destined to become a music nerd since I was raised by two of them. My parents love a lot of different kinds of music but 80s goth and post-punk stood tall; I was also brought up during the CD age so there are plenty of bands who I mostly know from one or two albums or compilations that my parents had on CD. The Cure is in the latter category with their 2001 greatest hits CD getting the most play at home, and it’s been hard for me to truly get into their full lengths. This album is good, sure, but it’s dreadfully long considering how gloomy it all is. I love the single edit of “Pictures of You,” but the album version has no business being over seven minutes long. 

Highlight: “Fascination Street” 

Lowlight: “Homesick”

Rating: 6/10

Rush - A Farewell to Kings

I’ve been known to like Rush, but this one didn’t make an impression on me at all. I listened to this a week ago and can hardly remember anything about it other than it sounded like Rush by numbers.

Highlight: “Xanadu”

Lowlight: Largely forgettable

Rating: 5/10

Pixies - Surfer Rosa

The Pixies album I’ve spent the most time with is Doolittle, which is a pretty great, if overhyped, album. My takeaway from Surfer Rosa is that it’s a nearly-great and overhyped album. I do like how weird and abrasive this gets, from the screams in the opening track, to how giddily fucked up “Broken Face” is, to how a “song about a superhero named Tony” is full of barked vocals and is constantly on the verge of falling apart.

Highlight: “Gigantic”

Lowlight: As much as I love “Where is My Mind” it sticks out like a sore thumb in the context of the album

Rating: 7/10

Refused - The Shape of Punk to Come

This album is pretentious to a fault (“Art is the REAL threat” lol give me a break) but most of the music bangs. They’re much better at writing sick-ass post-hardcore riffs than artsy electronic interludes, but it all works in favor of the album’s pacing. 

Highlight: “The Deadly Rhythm”

Lowlight: I can’t take “New Noise” seriously anymore after seeing Crazy Town covering it

Rating: 7/10

Stars - Set Yourself on Fire

Indie pop that puts more energy into grandeur than songwriting, it’s pretty good but also leaves me wanting more. Fitting that they share members with Broken Social Scene since I could probably write the same blurb about any of their albums.

Highlight: “Set Yourself on Fire”

Lowlight: The oh-so-twee 2004-ness of it all

Rating: 6/10

Godspeed You! Black Emperor - F# A# ∞

I recently listened to Lift Yr Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven for the first time and felt that they went out to make four 20 minute songs rather than make songs that ended up being 20 minutes each and there’s a lot of filler as a result. This one is quite a bit better though, it’s dark and quiet and feels more in line with what “post-rock” meant before it became a genre centered around crescendos. 

Highlight: The double drum kit ending of “Providence”

Lowlight: They sure do take a while to get where they’re going

Rating: 7/10

Sinead O’Connor - The Lion and the Cobra

She is an undeniably dynamic and expressive singer but the songwriting leaves a bit to be desired. I probably just need to spend more time with it because I know I like her second album a fair bit. RIP regardless. 

Highlight: “Mandinka”

Lowlight: “I Want Your (Hands On Me)”

Rating: 6/10

Phil Collins - No Jacket Required

Pleasantly surprised at how much I liked this, but then again I am a mark for 80s pop music. The ballads even aren’t half bad, with “One More Night” being the best one here (maybe I’m just comparing them to the terrible ballads he started releasing immediately after this album). 

Highlight: “Who Said I Would”

Lowlight: “Don’t Lose My Number” makes me think of Steely Dan’s “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number” which is a far superior song

Rating: 7/10

Crowbar - Odd Fellows Rest

Yup, this is sludge metal. I’d like this more if it had more groovy chuggy stuff like the end of “To Carry the Load”, but the harmonized leads that end the album were sick enough for a positive score. Not a fan of these gruff-but-not-angry vocals.

Highlight: “On Frozen Ground” 

Lowlight: How often I felt like a given riff was budget Pantera

Rating: 6/10

Darkthrone - The Underground Resistance

There’s plenty of good black metal riffing to be had here but these clean vocals…I’m sorry I do not like them at all. At least that’s not the majority of the album, and it ends on its best song.

Highlight: “Leave No Cross Unturned”

Lowlight: “Valkyrie”

Rating: 6/10

Thy Catafalque - Rengeteg

Having only heard this and the new one of theirs, Thy Cat seems to love throwing a whole lot of different styles into their albums. Some of it works better than others but a very solid effort overall. The two long, monstrously heavy songs are my favorites by far

Highlight: “Fekete mezők”

Lowlight: The gated snare tone

Rating: 7/10

Mercyful Fate - Don’t Break the Oath

I’ve never been able to get fully onboard with King Diamond but this is the best of his I’ve heard. While it’s not something that I love I do understand the massive acclaim this record has and it does riff hard. Dave Mustaine sure does love that breakdown riff of “Come to the Sabbath”.
Highlight: All the guitar solos are badass

Lowlight: KD’s super wispy falsetto makes me think of the Whitest Kids U Know “happier and with your mouth open” sketch

Rating: 7/10

Khonsu - The Xun Protectorate

Prog metal meets cyber metal, huh? It’s alright, certainly not bad, but not something that I imagine myself coming back to. The cyber metal parts are often close to something that I like but they don’t quite get there in a way that’s tough to put my finger on.

Highlight: The second half of “Toward the Devouring Light” 

Lowlight: “A Dream of Earth”

Rating: 5/10

Surfing - Deep Fantasy

It turns out that adding live instrumentation to vaporwave does not make it less annoying. I’ve never been a fan of the genre and there aren’t any convincing arguments to be found here. There is, at most, one idea per song, the singer struggles to hit half the notes he’s aiming for, and one song is just a guitarist noodling over a sample of “Sailing” by Christopher Cross. There are a couple half-decent tracks but overall this alternates between “pitifully low effort” and “trying to write a pop song but failing.” 

Highlight: “Killed a Man”

Lowlight: The harsh reality that this album is responsible for some of the worst Business Casual releases

Rating: 4/10

Pere Ubu - New Picnic Time

There’s something to be said about bands in the 70s and 80s (and beyond, to an extent) who got weird just for the sake of getting weird, but this is a bridge or two too far. Some of the songs have fun deranged grooves, but good god I wanted the singer to shut up by the third song. Pere Ubu has been one band that I’ve tried listening to because they’re influential to bands that I love, but they’ve never done much for me. 

Highlight: The album wastes no time throwing you into its hellish world, I do respect it

Lowlight: “A Small Dark Cloud”

Rating: 3/10

Sonic Youth - Daydream Nation

Re-read the last sentence I wrote but replace the band name. Sonic Youth is somewhat better, they can actually write coherent songs (and a few, such as “Teen Age Riot” and “Eric’s Trip”, are quite good), but I still don’t understand the hype for the most part. I found Kim Gordon to be the weakest link here.

Highlight: “Does ‘Fuck you’ sound simple enough?”

Lowlight: “Eliminator Jr”

Rating: 6/10